Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
