I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
