I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
