Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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