So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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