If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
