i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
