I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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