dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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