Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bring me that man meat
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
