Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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