Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
it's like heaven, but drunker
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
