Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
