At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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