You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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