He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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