bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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