I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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