My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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