Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
