Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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