As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
