I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
