i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
