The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
