Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
