She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
