My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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