omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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