1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
