beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
