everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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