I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
