i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
