I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
