My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
as a side note pls kill me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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