How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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