Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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