If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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