Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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