I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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