My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
