Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
