Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
