I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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