You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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