I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
