he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
