Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
