I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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