Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
