I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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