I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
