i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
