You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
