I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
