You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
