I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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