"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
