do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
