i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
too bad you live with your parents still
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
