walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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