tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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