6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
