I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize