fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
