I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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